NASHVILLE, Tenn. - The holidays are upon us, and images of peace, love, harmony and family togetherness are popping up everywhere. However, the reality is that this can also be one of the most tense and stressful times of the year for many people.

Dr. Mort Orman, a stress relief expert, says family members have different ways of celebrating holidays, and if they do not voice those expectations, problems are sure to surface and cause stress.

"Because of our expectations, we want things to go a certain way. When people start behaving differently, we try to get them to do something the way we want them to do it, and sometimes they don't want to do that or that's not their particular way of doing it."

People should be willing to say "no," even if it means disappointing someone, Orman advises, because just trying to balance family commitments during the holidays often overburdens family members and causes more unnecessary stress.

Planning is also an important factor to ensure the next six weeks will be restful, memorable and meaningful. Orman advises families to plan their budgets, trips, dinners and visiting times. He also suggests focusing on the things that you are able to control - even in situations that can sometimes seem out of control.

"Sometimes you may not be able to control somebody else's behavior or the traffic jam or the long lines at the check-out, but you do have some control over your own patterns: when you start shopping; how much time you allow to travel around during the holidays; how you respond to other people and relate to other people."

The doctor's best advice may be that no one can "do it all," so be practical and build in some time to connect with spouse and children during the holidays. Children often take their cues from parents, he notes, so when parents are stressed, children's emotions can quickly ramp up, too.

More information is available at http://ormanstressrelief.com.





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Virginia's General Assembly is taking up a bill to address outcomes for kids in foster care.

Previous legislation either failed to pass or was watered down in favor of further research on the issues. House Bill 893 would require Virginia's Judicial Council to adopt new standards for attorneys to qualify to represent parents in child dependency cases.

Valerie L'Herrou, deputy director of the Center for Family Advocacy at the Virginia Poverty Law Center, described the impact it can have on families.

"When parents have better legal representation, the children achieve their permanency goal faster," L'Herrou pointed out. "On average, four months faster."

She pointed out the faster turnaround can reduce state foster care operation costs. Typically, Virginia spends $305 million annually on foster care. Most opposition to previous bills has subsided, in light of state research about the extent of the issue. The bill passed the House of Delegates and has been referred to the Senate Committee for Courts of Justice.

With more than 5,000 children in foster care, L'Herrou argued now is the time to act. She added if this bill passes, it could serve as a springboard for future improvements to the system.

"I think this will start giving judges information that they need in order to effectively decide cases," L'Herrou emphasized. "When a case goes to court, you're hearing from both sides, and if you only hear from one side, then you're getting an incomplete picture."

The bill would also raise the rate of compensation for attorneys taking such cases. In the meantime, L'Herrou stressed programs are providing parents with sufficient legal representation. The Family Preservation Project has been filling the gap by taking what she calls a "holistic approach" to family separation cases.

During February, which is National Parent Leadership Month, the nonprofit Parents Anonymous is celebrating the successful launch of the new National Parent and Youth Helpline.

The Helpline has received more than 19,000 calls in its first few months. On Saturday, the group cut the ribbon on its new headquarters in Pasadena.

Rep. Judy Chu, D-Calif., spoke at the event, saying National Parent Leadership Month is the perfect time to reassure families they are not alone.

"It is a time for them to learn that there are resources available," Chu noted. "You can change your life around and feel better yourself, but also help your children live better lives."

Parents Anonymous created National Parent Leadership Month 30 years ago. The nation's 174 million parents and young people who need emotional support can call or text 855-427-2736 or live-chat 24/7 on the website.

Antonia Rios, chair of the national and California parent leadership teams for Parents Anonymous and a mother of seven, said she overcame decades of trauma with the help of counselors at Parents Anonymous.

"Parents Anonymous has provided me the emotional support so that I felt safe to open up," Rios explained. "I didn't feel judged, or revictimized. I felt like I could talk about what it was like for me, and then move past it."

The federal Administration for Children and Families recently awarded Parents Anonymous a five-year, $10 million grant to launch and operate the National Parent and Youth Helpline.

Wisconsin is among the states without a defined formula for deciding alimony payments through divorce court proceedings.

A new report says without that predictability, some people might not be getting a fair shake.

Custody X Change, an online firm that helps families navigate divorce, is out with a new analysis of alimony laws across the country.

The company's Managing Editor Shea Drefs said only about a third of states have a formula on the books.

The remaining states, including Wisconsin, essentially give judges discretion to sign off on an amount without a guideline.

Settlement agreements often take shape beforehand, but Drefs said that's not always the case.

"If you can't reach an agreement, because many people who are divorcing aren't on super great terms," said Drefs, "and they go to a judge and they say, 'Okay, you decide what should the alimony amount be.' If that's you going in, you have no idea what to expect."

Drefs said this can be especially problematic for those who can't afford an attorney to guide them through negotiations.

The report also notes that of the states that do have a formula, only 10 have guidelines for how long payments should continue.

The authors recommend implementing policies in states where there are none, and for ongoing assessments of existing formulas.

Drefs said in cases where someone isn't able to secure fair terms, whether that's the person receiving the payments or the other half responsible for them, it can have a lasting effect.

"Having bad alimony arrangements can have an impact on each of the ex-spouses," said Drefs, "on their children - and it can have ripple effects."

That might include housing instability or other forms of financial hardships.

Drefs said while existing guidelines can help a judge make a decision, there's still flexibility to consider traditional factors, such as income levels for both spouses, their ages, and the length of the marriage.




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